The Hidden Mental Load of Motherhood: Why “Just Ask for Help” Isn’t the Answer
Yes, it’s true—today’s dads are more involved than ever. But for many moms, the invisible weight of parenting and running a household still feels like theirs alone. At the heart of this imbalance is a concept known as the mental load: the constant organizing, planning, remembering, and problem-solving that keeps everything functioning. Even when partners help, moms often remain the default managers of family life.
Why “Just Ask” Isn’t Enough
When a mother finally voices her exhaustion, it’s not uncommon for her partner to say, “Just tell me what needs to be done!” While this might seem supportive on the surface, it actually misses the point.
Recently, a working mom and influencer addressed this on Instagram after a man commented on her video, saying, “I don’t get why women don’t ask for help when they’re burned out. We’re not mind readers.” Her reply struck a nerve with many moms. She challenged the idea that women should have to delegate basic parenting or household tasks that are simply part of daily life.
“Did he ever have to ask her to make dinner, schedule doctor appointments, or do the laundry?” she asked. Probably not. That’s the issue—these responsibilities often default to the mom, without discussion or recognition.
The Default Parent Dynamic
The real problem is the mindset that unless a task is assigned, it’s not a shared responsibility. Many men still view themselves as helpers, stepping in only when needed—rather than as equal partners proactively managing the home.
The frequent refrain, “I can’t read your mind,” reflects a deeper issue: one partner is expected to track and prioritize everything, while the other waits to be instructed. This dynamic places the mental load squarely on one person’s shoulders, often leading to frustration and burnout.
Real Talk from Real Moms
The influencer’s comments resonated widely. One woman noted, “Men are seen as natural-born leaders, but somehow they can’t figure out what needs doing unless it’s spelled out.” Another shared how her therapist emphasized that maintaining a home should be a shared responsibility, not just the wife’s job.
A male commenter added, “When men live with roommates, do they need to be told to take out the trash? No. You see what needs doing and do it.”
Another woman humorously summed it up with advice she gave her husband: “Pretend I’m dead and figure out how this all gets done.” It’s a funny way of saying: stop waiting to be told. Step up. Be proactive.
Sharing the Mental Load Starts with Awareness
True partnership in parenting and household management means sharing more than just physical chores. It means sharing the planning, the noticing, and the responsibility.
What can couples do?
- Have open conversations about the mental load
- Divide responsibilities without the need for constant reminders
- Value each partner’s contributions equally
By addressing the mental load together, families can build a more balanced home where both parents feel supported—and no one is left carrying the weight alone.
Image Source: Unsplash
