Pretty much every parent I’ve encountered—including myself—struggles with the idea of punishing their kids. Let’s be honest, it doesn’t feel great to hand out consequences. Yet, it’s nearly impossible to find a parent who hasn’t had to resort to it at some point. The ideal scenario is to navigate parenting without punishment, but we all know it’s much easier said than done. We aren’t perfect; we’re human.
Jon Fogel, a TikTok creator and author of Punishment Free Parenting, shares insights that resonate deeply with many parents. He takes a firm stance against punishment overall but recently posted a video that highlights some crucial moments when punishment just isn’t helpful.
Jon points out three specific scenarios where punishing your child might not only be unnecessary but could actually hinder their growth. The first two might already sound familiar to many of us, but they bear repeating:
1. Don’t punish your child when they come to you for help, even if they’ve made a mistake or violated a rule.
2. Avoid punishing your child in an attempt to instill self-motivation.
When your child approaches you with a problem, punishing them teaches them that asking for help isn’t worth it. “When you punish your kid for coming to you with a problem, you are essentially telling them they should keep their struggles to themselves,” Fogel explains. This can lead to dangerous situations down the line—like a 16-year-old at a party who feels they can’t call for help when they’re in over their head.
The second point is just as important. If you punish your child for not completing their chores, it inadvertently ties the negative experience of punishment to the task itself. “When discipline becomes about you, they’re going to resist doing it when you’re not around to enforce it,” he notes. Instead of instilling responsibility, you may end up cultivating resentment.
The third scenario is a real eye-opener, especially for those of us dealing with sibling rivalry: Don’t punish your child when they do something wrong to their sibling. “It seems counterintuitive,” he acknowledges, but punishing for sibling conflicts often leads to one child blaming the other rather than taking responsibility for their actions. Most parents dream of fostering friendships between their kids, and punishing them for sibling squabbles only creates a rift.
So, what’s a parent to do in chaotic moments between siblings? It really depends on the kids involved and the situation at hand. Sometimes, it’s wise to separate them until emotions settle down. Other times, you can play the role of mediator, gently guiding them to empathize with each other’s feelings and perspectives. Many experts believe it’s best to remain somewhat hands-off if the conflict isn’t escalating too much, allowing kids the chance to resolve their disagreements themselves. You can subtly teach them how to resolve conflicts by modeling positive behaviors in your own interactions, whether with your partner or friends. And don’t forget to praise them when you notice them using those skills.
None of us have a natural knack for perfect parenting, and most of us certainly don’t come equipped with the knowledge to guide our children in these moments. Mindfulness is the first step in this journey. The next time you find yourself facing one of these challenges, take a moment. Breathe. Approach the situation with grace, empathy, and a willingness to understand. You might find that this approach not only nurtures your child’s development but does wonders for your own peace of mind, too.
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