Dear Mothers Might,
I’m in an unhappy marriage. But no matter how much I think about it, I can’t figure out if I should keep trying to work on things, look at them from a different angle, fight to keep the family together, or suppress my feelings. Don’t all couples face challenges? How do I know if mine are severe enough to consider starting over? Am I being selfish? How much is enough?
How do you truly know when your marriage is over?
— Stay or Go?
Dear Stay or Go,
For me, the moment I understood that separation was necessary was when my husband ceased attempting to improve our situation. I was prepared to put in the effort, to remain committed to my vows. But when he admitted he only wanted to stay married for our children and appearances—saying he no longer loved me and would never be affectionate again—I knew divorce was right for me.
When he refused counseling, date nights, or even communication, I was finished.
However, I realize many have different “right” answers to this dilemma. So, I reached out to our readers for their insights. Here’s what they shared.
“When I began to notice the negative impact of my relationship on my kids.”
“When it became tougher to stay in the marriage than to leave.”
“When the very idea of leaving brought a sense of relief instead of anxiety.”
“On the same day as our anniversary dinner, I discovered a foreclosure notice and our water was shut off. He struggled with gambling.”
“He refused to end the infidelity.”
“He asked my friends if I’d been untruthful about my whereabouts.”
“He criticized me for not giving him enough attention at a gathering.”
“When he started acting like a man-child instead of a partner.”
“I realized I couldn’t endure the next three decades like this.”
“When he dismissed helping me during a medical issue and I had to drive myself to the hospital.”
“After another fight and another awkward family dinner, my child remarked, ‘Well, this is enjoyable,’ prompting me to reconsider for their sake.”
“When I felt anxious just being next to him.”
“When his phone rang at my best friend’s funeral after I requested he leave it in the car.”
“When I asked him to buckle his seatbelt and he yelled at me in front of the children.”
“Every time he left, life seemed better. I was the real me again without him.”
“When being alone with him felt nauseating and frightening.”
“When I uncovered that my husband had been unfaithful for years and our boys were aware before I was.”
“He thought it was acceptable to take his son’s medication.”
“I witnessed another husband degrade his wife, and it hit me: I was in the same situation.”
“I stopped dreaming about our future.”
“My daughter once faced danger because of him. I took her and left two days later.”
“Leaving therapy, my ex remarked, ‘I thought this would be more your fault.’”
“When I arrived home, I would park and hesitate to go inside.”
“When I realized I didn’t want my daughter to experience the treatment I was subjected to.”
“When my responsibilities at home doubled after having a baby, but his stayed the same.”
“I acknowledged how my life with him was affecting our children. I wasn’t the mom they needed.”
“I stopped feeling at home in my house. I didn’t want to be there.”
“When I felt like I was a caregiver and he was another child in our household.”
“When I felt so diminished I barely existed anymore.”
“When I discovered gift receipts from his teenage girlfriend while he was 45.”
“After his years of infidelity, he suggested an open relationship. Absolutely not.”
“When he abandoned me at the ER with our child because he couldn’t be bothered.”
“You find yourself pretending to be asleep when he arrives home because it’s better than facing him.”
“When I stopped caring about anything he had to say.”
“When I asked if he still loved me and he hesitated.”
“When the possibility of being alone made me feel relief, not grief.”
“When he publicly accused me of doing nothing.”
“I didn’t want either of us to be trapped in that relationship. We both deserved more.”
“When I suffered a stroke and he told me to just move on.”
“When I felt completely detached, both physically and emotionally.”
“Accepting he would never change and that I didn’t want to live this way any longer.”
“When indifference replaced any hatred I once felt.”
“When the thought crossed my mind daily.”
“When my son asked, ‘Is he really mine?’”
“I couldn’t buy him a birthday card without feeling like a fraud.”
“When he attempted to touch me and my body would stiffen in response.”
“When I ran out of energy to fix the situation.”
“When I recognized my own worth and that I deserved better.”
“When the disgust became permanent.”
“When I cried, and he merely stared, asking what was for dinner.”
“Time spent with him brought more pain than joy.”
“He walked out when I desperately needed support. I realized I was already alone.”
“When his girlfriend called.”
“When he blamed me for his infidelity and showed no accountability.”
“He returned home at 6 am and couldn’t rouse himself for our family photo session.”
Each person has unique limits, needs, and boundaries — and that’s perfectly fine. Hopefully, hearing these stories from other women provides clarity as you make your own choice. Wishing you happiness in whatever path you choose.
